How One Mom Recognized ADHD in Her Daughter Before Anyone Else Did

In this episode, Cynthia Hammer, founder of FINDtheADHDgirls, talks with Angelina Tilley, a mom who recognized the subtle signs of inattentive ADHD in her daughter and pushed for early diagnosis.

Angelina shares how her own late ADHD diagnosis gave her the tools to see the patterns in her child—meltdowns at home, emotional overwhelm, sensory sensitivities, and struggles with focus that weren’t disruptive in class but were life-altering at home.

Together, they explore why ADHD in girls is so often missed, how teachers and doctors can help, and why parental self-regulation and awareness are critical for raising a confident, supported child.

📌 Learn more at FINDtheADHDgirls.org

Find The ADHD Girls is a project of the Inattentive ADHD Coalition (www.iadhd.org)

The mission of this project is to give all girls who have ADHD
a fair start in life by getting them diagnosed by age 8.

COULD YOUR DAUGHTER HAVE ADHD?

ADHD can look different in girls - meaning that often, they are missed for ADHD diagnosis.

Find out if your daughter has ADHD at findtheadhdgirls.org

Learn about inattentive ADHD at www.iadhd.org, the only website solely about inattentive ADHD

Transcript

 This is Cynthia Hammer. I am the founder of the project, FINDtheADHDgirls with our mission to get girls with ADHD diagnosed before age eight.

Today I am interviewing a parent who did find their daughter's ADHD before age eight, let me have Angelina introduce herself. Absolutely. Thank you Cynthia. My name's Angelina Tilley, and my daughter was fairly recently confirmed to have ADHD.

For parents, it's still really tough for the Inattentive form to be recognized. I had asked some questions her first year of school based on what we were seeing at home, but it hasn't caused a lot of disruption in the classroom. We were fortunate that she had a teacher this year that was very aware of how that Inattentive presentation can look. Coupled with what we were seeing at home, we were able to get support and get her diagnosed.

So you are saying that you, as a parent were alerted to the fact that she might have Inattentive ADHD? How did you get to that understanding? I had been living with undiagnosed ADHD, so when I was 41 and 43 now. I had

Issues and challenges with cognitive function, a nervous system collapse, pushing that sensitive system, that I didn't know was as sensitive as it was, past its breaking point one too many times.

I ended up having some interventions myself and ultimately was assessed and diagnosed with ADHD, predominantly Inattentive. I was able to step back from work for a while and get

some intensive support. I was able to get up that learning curve probably more quickly, really getting into understanding what that meant and reframing, some of the experiences I had in my life.

That allowed me to recognize the symptoms in my daughter much more, much earlier than we would have otherwise. From your own learning did you learn how highly genetic it was and that kind of alerted you? Do you have any other children? Was she your only child? She's our only child, so I didn't really have any other point of comparison.

It was challenging . Anna was two when COVID happened. It wasn't until kindergarten when she was in that classroom environment that we would've noticed anything anyways. But what we did notice initially was emotional management,

Her tendency, when she's really overwhelmed emotionally, to shut down, which is not disruptive to others. I recognize that is something that's definitely a pattern that I am familiar with, something that was a recurring pattern for me as well.

I really don't think we could have had any meaningful intervention more quickly than we did. It's hard for parents when they only have one child or it's tough that they don't know what normal childhood development is like.

Absolutely. So that's where it's good when they get around a teacher who has seen more and can tell when it's off the curve.

It's like some kids are hyperactive, some kids are almost sluggish and they both have ADHD. You have to know there's a lot of contrast. There is. That's why I was enthused when I found the information available through the Inattentive ADHD coalition and now FINDtheADHDgirls because there's that myth out there that it shows up a certain way. You've got that hyperactivity. That's really obvious. My presentation and my daughter's as well, the hyperactivity is very internalized. It's very much a jumble in your mind and overwhelm inside, but it's not gonna be obvious to folks around you.

Yeah. Even when I got diagnosed, you read the symptoms and if you're Inattentive, you don't relate to them as much. A lot of speakers, they'll go through the symptoms and say what Inattentive? What's hyperactive like? And then the rest of their talk, they're only talking about hyperactive. Absolutely. For those of us that have inattentive,, we rarely get to feel we are being described when they're out there saying, we're high energy, and right away that is like not us.

We almost shut down to hearing the rest of what they're talking about. What we were noticing with Anna at home was that she would just completely come undone when she came home. I talked to other parents and it is tough to try to

recognize how much might be developmentally normal versus that tipping point where you've got some red flags, to say, "no, this is outside of what you would expect." Through kindergarten, the feedback that we were getting is really common for kids when they get home and they're safe.

She was doing well academically, keeping up with things in class. She wasn't having any major issues socially. She had a few things come up, but nothing major. It was the next year we continued to see meltdowns, but the intensity just kept increasing. Her teacher in the fall, called us and let us know Anna was having a hard time focusing. By the afternoon she would shut down and she wouldn't respond, even if the teacher was talking to her.

It was like she couldn't take anything else. In.  just complete overwhelm. I described what we were seeing at home and she said," we're not seeing a lot of that, but when there is an emotional outburst, the intensity is off the charts."

Is it a public school in Canada? It is a public school in Canada. Wow. Yeah. I don't know that our experience is typical, but a couple of things lined up. What we're experiencing is probably the reverse of what a lot of families are experiencing.

So me having that diagnosis. And that opportunity to really get good support and intensive, intervention that happening allowed us to see it in Anna. What is tending to happen for other women who've been missed is that they're finding out after a child is diagnosed.

If the child is late being diagnosed, then that situation in the household is continuing much much further past what our experience was. For a few families that I've had the opportunity to share our experience with where it happened in the reverse, where a child was diagnosed and then the parents got assessed,

there's also a lot more concern and question and consternation around medications. Whereas for me, I had the experience of having the medication and knowing the profound difference that it made for me,

My reluctance wasn't there. I know there are other families, and I can understand and appreciate because when I was first assessed and diagnosed, it was very overwhelming trying to sort through the information that's out there and pick fact from fiction.

There's a lot of opinions about the stimulant medications. We had already worked through those questions and concerns. I had my own positive experience to refer to. The other thing I feel like is unusual,

our family doctor was willing to diagnose and treat our daughter. Not all family physicians are willing to do that. Between a teacher who was more aware than some and a very supportive family physician who had

been working with me, we caught it early, but I think that's unusual. There's a lot that has to align perfectly for a child like my daughter to get identified and diagnosed as quickly as she did. There's a couple of family physicians in the US that feel like this is really where family physicians could shine because it's almost like a family diagnosis and they treating the parent and the child all at the same time. I know from speaking with others that there's a varying level of comfort for family physicians.

Some are really supportive and comfortable, and others want that specialist involved before they're comfortable with prescribing. We developed the checklist just on seven year olds. The problem I have with the DSM is they just say often, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. And I think the definition of often can vary with people, We got actual behaviors that you'd just see and often is described as at least three times a week. We tell parents there's a mixture of symptoms, but if you fill out this checklist and put a lot of checks on it, you should take the symptom checklist and go to see your family doctor.

I'm sure that I'll see her all over it because we have a somewhat textbook case of how Inattentive ADHD presents. I'm curious if your daughter experienced any signs of anxiety or depression or sensitivity issues with how clothes felt or the texture of foods. Prior to having any. Intervention, the intensity of emotion for her was so intense at times that it frightened her. There were times that she would have meltdowns.

When they were really bad, she would be out of herself. She would be screaming, kicking, punching, throwing, very out of character for her normally.

That sounds like a lot of energy. Yeah. Yeah. It was like something had just boiled over or erupted. She would be quite upset in the aftermath. That was difficult for myself and my husband. . You're trying to actually restrain her so she's not hurting herself or even hurting us, even though she was still tiny.

So it was tough. Then after she would calm down, she would be very upset. She would say things, just break your heart ,around her being bad or that she's not a nice kid, she hated herself. She was five and six years old, very judgemental about what she had done.

It would break our hearts and, often, at least three times a week. Definitely worse if she was sick or tired, those things that upset the routine and upset her system. What kind of things would throw her off?

Those times that she would have a few nights in a row where she was struggling to sleep. It was really tough to get her down, or she would wake up several times. You could see that her emotions got bigger and more difficult for her, even outside of those big outbursts.

She just seemed to be very emotional. As you're watching her play with other kids, as soon as she's frustrated, she crying. There's no pause between event and reaction. And the reaction seems more than what you're seeing from her peers.

That was also positive emotions too. Like sometimes she's really silly and giddy and gets wound up and loses herself in it., It was the intensity. It reminds me of a woman I interviewed. Her son had Inattentive, but she said what actually brought him to attention was his screaming.

Yeah. Yep. It's not really some of the quote common behaviors you'd think of, but it's something else. We noticed really early, Anna's always sucked her thumb, for example. She was a kiddo that started biting her nails. She's gotta have something moving at all times, but they're very subtle movements. They're not big movements. It's small little things that she'll do when she's sitting down. When the teacher would see her shut down, she was putting her thumb in and playing with her hair and ear and just shut down.

That was her way of just trying to regulate, trying to keep it all in. Then she'd come home and it would just whoof, explode out of her. The other challenges were if you gave her a number of instructions or a number of steps at one time, she would maybe do one and then be off doing something else.

And It would be very difficult to get her through the steps. You had to be sitting with her and coaching her through and bringing her back and bringing her back and bringing her back. So we had the teacher, for example, sending home worksheets and saying, " we're getting a little backed up here. Anna hasn't been finishing these in the time provided. Would you mind working with her at home? You get the worksheets and you just see these doodles and pictures. The work's not done, but everything is colored. Those kinds of things.

There might be four or five different things that would catch her attention and she'd go off in any, any number of different paths and forget about what it was that she was being asked to do or even sometimes something that she was excited to do or she was looking to do herself.

\ Was she losing things a lot? Oh goodness, yes. Trying to organize or find things is still a challenge. We've noticed improvements, but maybe not as dramatic as say focus and emotional regulation, even though she's medicated now.

So trying to find systems for organizing that will help her be able to find the thing once she puts it down. Angela, it sounds like your daughter's just been a handful and hard parenting. What do you love about her? She is so loving. When I say she feels big, she feels everything big. She's a great friend. She has such a kind heart. She is really like a soft child in a good way. Like She loves animals. She loves her friends, she's, she's a deeply feeling little soul. She's wise beyond her years that way actually, in terms of being able to sense emotion in herself and in others.

She has this intensity, but then she also has this wisdom that I don't think a lot of children necessarily do in terms of being able to sense when someone is feeling a little bit down or a little bit off. She is so much more connected to that part of herself .

Incredibly creative, and very much her own little person. She wanted early to pick out her outfits. Mom's not dressing her. She's got a real sense of style. She's got a sense of herself and what she likes. Why it was so tough and so confusing to see this other side of her that would come out sometimes where you were seeing that anxiety and she was just being so critical of herself . She is quite amazing in how she can articulate and have a conversation about her emotions and her feelings., She's, been able to say to us that was really frightening for her. That felt really scary. Those big emotions.

They really scared me, and since I started taking this medication, I feel so much better. They don't feel as big. I asked her what she loved about herself the other day, and it's the first time I got a list of five or six things with no hesitation. It was the most beautiful moment. That is that is what

is offered with early diagnosis and support. We talk a lot about things that she needs. She can go now in the classroom and tell the teacher I need a little break. You can just see a big jump in her confidence. I'm wondering, it is probably hard to tease out, but I think part of the gift here is that you have it, too, and so you can easily talk about it with her without her feeling shamed.

Absolutely. Suggestions for parents where they haven't learned about their own ADHD yet, or they don't have ADHD, how would they explain ADHD to their daughter so she ends up feeling healthy and a good advocate for herself. Yeah, we all have different ways that we take in information. We have different ways and preferences for how we learn. We all experience the world around us differently. The way that our brains process information and the intensity of our feelings, it's different for everybody.

A big part of life is just learning about yourself so that you can start to build your own operating manual. If you're driving a car, you're gonna build it over time in terms of this is how this car likes to be driven. So I've, had some conversations. One thing I really liked are you've got a Ferrari brain with this race car engine, but the brake system doesn't really keep up.

The first time that I read that after my diagnosis something clicked. We'll talk a lot about just needing to make sure that you take that second to pause before you act or take that second to check in before you before you proceed. So it's just tap the brakes.

We just need to tap the brakes. You talk to your daughter about neurodiversity. I do. Yeah. Absolutely. We're all different. We're all different. We have to learn how we're different. We have to learn how to function best. It's okay to ask for what you need.

Absolutely. Yeah. I never did sit down with her and say, you have ADHD and have a big conversation . It wasn't like that. It was you're having some challenges at school. Me and Mrs. Bur your teacher, we're working together. We wanna find ways to make this easier for you.

We're gonna go talk to Dr. Brian. You've met him before. We tried to take her through it in a way that was really supportive. We involved her. In the process. So it was, alright, so we're gonna try. The first medication we try really didn't work for her and it actually made the emotional reactivity much worse.

We were checking in with her and saying , how are you feeling? We are trying a medication Mommy takes one, it helps, it helps in environments like a classroom where there's a lot of noise and you have to focus, but the first one may or may not work for you. How are you feeling?

After a couple of weeks, she said," my emotions are getting bigger, not smaller . I'm not liking how I feel." So we stopped taking that one, and we tried another one, and it worked really well for her. It's been a more general conversation. There's some validity to we are all just

self exploring. There's a self-discovery process that happens throughout your life. You become more aware of your own unique neurobiology or unique personality, your preferences, your learning style. There's all kinds of different attributes to it. We like different foods.

We like different vacations. There's so many layers that felt the most natural and authentic, for myself personally; but it has landed well for her as well. When I received my diagnosis, I went through a little period of time of

this is who I am. I have ADHD. This is who I am. It was profound. It explained so much, but the longer that I sat with it, it's this is a part of who I'm, but there's a lot of other things going on.. And I don't know if that's a helpful framing, but it was for us.

You came to realize aDHD it impacts all of you, but it's only part of you. Exactly, there are times that you can have label or a diagnosis start to define you. That's how people end up in boxes and that's how sometimes assumptions and judgments get made.

But even within the realm of ADHD, it presents so differently for different people. It was profoundly impactful for me to know that about myself, a completely missing piece of information. It was like I was using the wrong operating manual for my entire life. And now I finally swapped it out and had this new one. But at the same time, it's not like everyone with ADHD is gonna be handed the same operating manual. .

It's it's a important part of what is gonna work for you. It's an important part of your own internal experience and how you experience the world around you, but there's a lot of other layers there too. She seems to have been able to absorb that. It's, been a useful framing for our family.

Do you think of anything else you'd like to tell parents who are wondering about their daughter? I wanna circle back to the sensory things that we've noticed. That is a big part of it for Anna. Bath time for a long time were an absolute nightmare. All the hygiene stuff is really.

Sensory overload. We had a lot of challenge around that and it was very confusing and frustrating before we understood what was going. People will talk about the socks. Yes. We've experienced the whole thing with the socks having to fit perfectly.

She'll have preferences. Right now she's wearing blood stones and it's 25 degrees outside. I can't get her to wear another pair of shoes. She doesn't like hard pants, so we are not wearing jeans in this household. It's like leggings. It has to be soft.

The tags have definitely been, been things that we've noticed. But the auditory overwhelm, being in an environment with a lot of noise, and especially coming from different sources you'll see her just shut down.

You can tell , this is too much. She's getting much better now. She'll say, "mommy, this is too loud. I need a break. I need a quiet space." We've noticed that. With food, we're struggling in that area right now. There's very little that she will eat.

 We'll lose a favorite food sometimes and then it takes a while before we find something else to put into rotation. That's been an ongoing challenge.

In terms of what else I would say,

When you have a kiddo that has something about them that makes them a little different or makes the day-to-day more challenging. When I think back to how I was parenting before I was diagnosed and assessed, that's hard for me. I wasn't showing up

in a way that was helping her whatsoever. What I have noticed is that she will very much mirror the energy in the household. That's not to say that, she's never gonna have a meltdown, even if I'm being calm. That's not really what I mean.

But the second that I'm not, she's not. There's an opportunity or an invitation for parents to do some deeper work that will help them learn more about themselves and then will be a huge benefit as well to their kiddos. And so me learning skills and strategies around how to regulate my emotions has.

Been a game changer in our household. For me, I had a very difficult time recognizing emotions in myself. I couldn't name them. Sometimes I'll say to my husband when I get really upset or frustrated about something," I can't talk to you about this. I need to sit with it for a while and try to figure out what's going on." Increasing my own awareness and then being able to check in with myself and manage, my own emotions more effectively has been a game changer.

That's a piece of advice that I don't often hear. It's more focused on the child and the supporting and there's lots of good stuff,. but if I had done all of those things and hadn't learned how to be a more grounded , calm influence in her life. I don't think that we would've made, the same progress that we have in the past year.

I certainly don't think we would have the relationship where we could be having these conversations the way that we are. The other thing there's a statistic that I've heard several times but it was certainly my experience

when I look back. Kids that grow up with ADHD receive on average 20,000 more pieces of negative feedback . that has a very deep and lasting impact on people's self-concept, self-esteem, self-trust. As a parent, you are uniquely positioned to counterbalance that. And so I. Have, It comes very naturally at this point, but it didn't at first. I hope it's like a hundred to one. I don't think my ratio's that high, but I really try to tell her

intentionally and repeatedly every day the things that I love about her. When she's able to get through a process that is a challenge for her, we make a big fuss about it. Just being able to provide some of that counterbalance. 'cause that is very much my lived experience. Parents shape their

children's sense of themselves more than anything. You can provide some counterbalance to that reality, that can have a major positive impact. . Yeah, and just the education piece. Get educated, find good sources of information. Yeah. No, that's really good to say.

Parents need to regulate themselves and they set the atmosphere in the home. A lot of us were parented in a way that was very focused on compliance. If you're neurodiverse and you're in an environment where you're focused on consistency and compliance, that's a tough situation to grow up in.

But then you also don't know any other way to parent. So that's how you learned, right? There's some really good, I think, programs and sources of support out there for parents to do that inward work themselves.

What values do I wanna, bring into that world, yeah, I tend to be really long-winded when I don't have notes. I'm sorry, Cynthia. No, We covered a lot of territory. What popped into my mind is when you think your child is giving you a hard time, they're really the ones having the hard time.

Yeah. Absolutely. I'm trying to recall a really profound quote. Do you wanna be connected to your child or do you just want them to comply? If you stay in that mindset of compliance and you're parenting a child that's neurodiverse, that's going to continue to feel like a losing battle.

You gotta lower your expectations. I think Anna's gonna do great and amazing things. I don't mean in a life sense but in a day-to-day sense. I'm 43 years old . I am medicated, I'm regulated.

I've had support, and this morning I completely flaked on a, appointment that I had made with somebody. And had this avalanche of shame and embarrassment . There's just making sure that your expectations match your child's capability. That's where education is really important, just getting to know your kiddo and what's hard for them specifically and what executive functions they might need the most support in.

Yeah. For me, organization, time management are clearly on the list. I will. Yeah. Yeah. You have a lot of knowledge and it's nice that you're sharing it so openly. Thank you for today's interview, Angelina. You're very welcome. Thank you very much for having me and for the excellent information you've been putting out.

Thank you. Bye. Thanks