Masking & Loneliness in ADHD Girls: A Powerful Conversation with Dana Dzamic

What if your daughter seems social, happy, and successful—but still feels completely alone inside?

In this episode of the FIND the ADHD Girls podcast, Cynthia Hammer speaks with Dana Dzamic—ADHD coach, consultant, and mother—about the quiet pain of masking and loneliness in girls with ADHD. Dana explains how these challenges begin in early childhood, why they’re so often overlooked, and how masking becomes a lifelong habit that even diagnosis doesn’t always fix.

We talk about performance anxiety, rejection sensitivity, and the pressure to fit in at school, home, and work. Dana also shares what real inclusion should look like—and why celebrating difference is the key to helping neurodivergent girls thrive.

Whether you’re a parent, educator, or adult reflecting on your own experience, this conversation is one you won’t want to miss.

🎧 Read more from Dana at ADHDInsightHub.com

Explore free ADHD resources at FINDtheADHDgirls.org/repository

#FINDtheADHDgirls #DanaDzamic #ADHDGirls #MaskingAndLoneliness #UnmaskingADHD #ADHDAwareness #NeurodivergentGirls #PerformanceAnxiety #RejectionSensitivity #ADHDWomen

Find The ADHD Girls is a project of the Inattentive ADHD Coalition (www.iadhd.org)

The mission of this project is to give all girls who have ADHD
a fair start in life by getting them diagnosed by age 8.

COULD YOUR DAUGHTER HAVE ADHD?

ADHD can look different in girls - meaning that often, they are missed for ADHD diagnosis.

Find out if your daughter has ADHD at findtheadhdgirls.org

Learn about inattentive ADHD at www.iadhd.org, the only website solely about inattentive ADHD

Transcript

Hello everyone. This is Cynthia Hammer back with another wonderful interview.

Today we're interviewing Dana Dzamic. She's in England and she has so many talents. Besides being a mother with ADHD, she has children with ADHD and then she consults and coaches about ADHD. I'm eager to talk with her today to learn more.

Hello, Cynthia.

Hi Dana. We talked ahead of time that the two topics we're gonna try to cover today are masking and loneliness, which are issues that start showing up. We wanna explore how we can maybe lessen the damage that happens from masking and loneliness.

How should we start out? 

Masking is, I think, a much bigger topic than it's talked about. It's a lot more complex, so I'm glad that the conversation about masking is more normalized. However, you're right, that it starts very early on and it starts from a very natural need for young girls.

Research shows it's more for girls than for boys to actually fit in to be like others.

Research shows that is the reason why boys are diagnosed more than girls and why girls often go overlooked and they're not really recognized on time because of masking.

What happens very early on, is that girls want to be like the girls,. we see that all girls want to be princess at some point or fairy or something like that. So that's a natural need that girls want to be like other girls and they want to fit in.

What happens with young girls? A lot of them don't know they have ADHD, and they don't know at that young age that they are different. They're not aware that they are making so much effort. They just feel discomfort, anxiety. That's what I remember too. They feel very tired.

They feel exhausted and they actually show very different behavior at home versus school or any sort of social environment. What I hear very often, and that's a common story for girls, is that a school would report that she's well-behaved, she's quiet. Sometimes, they would say, she talks a lot, she's very opinionated.

She is excitable. But that would normally be reported as a character quirk, as something that is interesting about that girl. But then parents talk about different behavior at home. So when the girls go home, they become really tired, irritable, impulsive,; they lose appetite or they actually eat compulsively.

They need to let off the steam when they get home. 

Yes. I think that's one explanation. Masking is incredibly exhausting, especially for young people who don't know they're masking.

They're trying to fit in,  but that's not the behavior they would naturally express if they have more support to learn what they are.

Even for myself as an adult, if people ask me, did you have a mask?

I'd say no, because I wasn't conscious of it. I remember going to lunch with a friend. And I would enjoy the lunch, but I would be exhausted afterwards and I couldn't put the two things together. But you're making me think I was making a huge effort to be there and be present and be normal.

Yes. That's correct. Cynthia. Masking at a conscious level means that we have to understand, we have to be at the maturity level to understand how other people think. Young girls don't understand the perception of the others. They don't know why other people feel at ease.

They don't even know, they feel different. They just know how they feel. So as they grow up that can become even more tiring because the conversations are more complex. The social life is more complex. School curriculum is more complex. They have to make more and more effort. And then you're 

saying almost all this time, it's unconscious.

They're masking unconsciously, but it's wearing them out. 

I think majority of them are masking unconsciously. It does become conscious at some point. It depends what kind of support they have. Sometimes girls have conversations at home and parents would tell them, "You are different."

Sometimes they become aware of that difference. That's when masking becomes conscious and when they actually say, "okay, I am different. There is something different about me, but I don't want to show it. " The same problem happens even when they do get diagnosed. ,And that's very interesting because it's incredibly important for girls to be diagnosed.

But I think that's not enough. That's just the first step. And also, depends where they actually grow up, what kind of environment they are in. If people talk about ADHD ,if that's very common or everyone is aware, they can learn how to say that, and that sort of difference is not stigmatized.

However, I know many environments where that is stigmatized and that means something is wrong with the child. That's when the girl needs different kind of support, not just a diagnosis. 

So you're saying if they get diagnosed, it can be helpful if they're in an environment where that doesn't further stigmatize them, but if getting the diagnosis is gonna continue to stigmatize them, they're gonna continue to feel the need to mask.

Yes. The healthiest environment is when they feel they don't need to mask, 

it is a rare occasion. It's tricky because schools still, want children to behave well. I think everyone in the world where you go to schools, they want children to behave, and that's a natural expectations in schools.

Good behavior means being quiet, listening to instructions, having patience, doing what you're told, et cetera. There are lots of conversations how schools should encourage children to show their talent ,to show what they are,

but I don't think that education system is getting there. Even if the girls are diagnosed, they're still expected, even from school, to actually behave in a way that other children behave. In the uk, so there is a time in school in indoor voices, outdoor voices.

When they're inside yes. Have to quiet ,have to control their tone of voice. Controlling the tone of voice is sometimes really difficult for children with ADHD. That requires additional effort and that ,on its own ,can make them really tired. Sitting still in the class that's last a certain amount of time and not having the opportunity to walk around and have a break can make them incredibly tired.

Communication with friends. I think that's a big topic because girls especially, from my experience, and research indicates as well, show rejection sensitivity very early on. Rejection sensitivities. They become really sensitive to feedback they're getting from friends.

They overreact to that. So what is a normal common children's communication can become experienced as a personal offense, as unpleasant for girls with ADHD. In that situation, they either become quite confrontational and they have lots of problems with friends that can complicate social life for years or they can withdraw.

They can just start realizing, "okay, I find it difficult to make friends." 

Do you find scenarios existing, whether or not the girl gets diagnosed? Their environment makes the difference, not the diagnosis that makes the difference? 

I think diagnosis can make a lot of difference because if they have diagnosis and they can learn actually what makes them so sensitive, what makes them so anxious when they are with friends, how they can make the difference, what is really offensive, and how to recognize those social cues.

You become more of an ally helping them to learn and understand themselves.

Now they have the manual. They get to know how they operate and where they need to learn new behaviors. 

Exactly. They have to learn how to recognize behavior that is really offensive and that is so personal as they actually experience that, and then they can learn their own triggers.

This is what I do about it. I can go and talk to somebody about it. Somebody can support me and help me understand what it really means. Maybe I can reframe it, I can understand it in a different way, and then they can learn how to control in a constructive way. That sort of feedback and the reaction.

Sometimes I envision too, that before you encounter a situation, if you are in advance knowing I'm going to a party where there's gonna be lots of people, and that usually triggers me. ,You can almost plan the role you're going to play when you're at the party.

Absolutely. Party is an interesting example, Cynthia, because party is a typical example of overwhelming experience. Obviously young people, teenagers like going to a party, and that's again, part of fitting in. If they learn prior to teenage years how to recognize overwhelm, how to see the early signs, they can learn how to navigate that . They can learn when I'm at a party, I need 10 minutes out by myself. Maybe I need the best friend to take me out and I can calm down. Maybe I can gradually adjust to going to parties. I can go initially for half an hour and then I can

expand the time so they can learn how they can navigate parties. 

 This all comes back then to early diagnosis because the problems are less significant, then there's more time to learn how to manage. 

It is more like time to learn how to manage, and I think there is more time to avoid any further complications like mental health issues, anxieties, depression, severe withdrawal from

social circles. Everything can escalate and can cause so many other problems. There are loads of examples of girls who actually are diagnosed at teenage years with mental health issues and it's wrong, the  bipolar or depression or social anxieties ,and the cause was actually undiagnosed ADHD.



That's been my experience ,talking to women that were diagnosed later in life. It's so sad to hear how many years they were in therapy only to learn years later. What they thought was their problem wasn't, and it was ADHD all along.

What I wanted to ask though is do you see any young girls showing up with some of these comorbid problems, or are they really protected from that in their younger years? 

I've seen girls as young as eight and nine who actually start withdrawing from playing with friends, and they can't explain why.

So they just know, they feel uncomfortable. I've seen young girls not going to, for example, extra curriculum activities that they're talented for just because they feel uncomfortable. They don't know how to manage social situations. For example, I know the girl who is very talented for drama and really likes that, but only wants to do it one-to-one because she's very anxious in social situations like drama classes.

How does it tie in here because my sons wouldn't wanna do anything unless they knew they were going to be successful at it. 

Performance anxiety can be linked to so many things. One example is feedback, so that's a social anxiety.

They are really afraid of getting any negative feedback because they already suffer from many insecurities and injection sensitivity dysphoria. They are afraid of any not totally positive feedback. Another thing could be perfectionism that often develops as part of masking and managing and navigating symptoms.

Performance anxiety is a very common side effect, I would say.

It makes me think ,like the masking, they're not doing something you don't think you'll do well at is like protecting your ego. Yeah, and I think performance anxiety or masking are ways to protect your ego in a way.

I think you're right. I know the girl who would say, everyone is just looking at me and laughing at me, and there is no indication that's happening. When she's performing, she's a musician, but that perception and that fear, that anxiety ,comes from her way of thinking that hasn't been supported throughout the years with her symptoms.

Is there anything else you could think we wanna say about masking? How do we help girls to remove the mask if we discover they're doing it to excess? Some of it is appropriate, but it depends on what your motivation is for it and how it's making you feel, but making you feel inadequate

and the only way you're acceptable is if you put on your mask,

that's not healthy. But I do think it's healthy to know that some situations you wanna mask a little bit. 

Yes, it's absolutely helpful and there are many social situations when actually it can be considered as a skill. It's an important skill.

However, if it goes too far,  it can have so many consequences. There is a lot we can do. First of all, it starts from home and school. The girl needs to have age appropriate and cognitive level appropriate conversations about what she's like, how she feels.

So she needs some age appropriate education about how she feels is normal. She can at least talk about it. Then ,with school, there is a lot that can be done. Cooperation between school and parents is very important. So school needs to be aware whether the girl has a different behavior at home than in school.

The school can't just send the girl home and say she's lovely, she's well behaved. They need to listen to parents who are she's coming home really tired, irritable, and we don't know what to do with her. 

Yes. 

The school needs being educated on how to talk to other children about differences.

Then the school can provide environments where different children can be what they are. For example if they have break time or free time or different classes, they can allow some of that behavior. So they can allow some of hyperactivity, they can have sensory circuit, they can have drama classes.

They can actually allow them to be themselves in certain situation. That helps that regulating. Just gradually, educating the girl and making her feel comfortable  is incredibly helpful. Over the years that has that effect of her actually getting her identity with what she really is.

Yeah I'm smiling 'cause we recently interviewed a woman ,probably in her early twenties, and in her interview that's what she asked for,  allow girls to be loud, allow girls to be physically active, and that was getting a lot of comments because she felt that restraint put on her by the culture.

Now that she's a young woman, she's becoming who she wants to be. 

There are so many ways that can be done. It's just thinking about it and opening up to approach differences in personalities, in children. 

But another thing I heard recently, which I thought I would've loved growing up, is when the girl comes up with some wild, outrageous idea of something to do, the parents or the adult, instead of saying, oh, that's ridiculous, or How could you even think that? They go along with it. They support her enthusiasm, and then,

who knows in a day or two it could die, but it just sounded so joyful to let this girl who was exuberant experience her exuberance. 

It can die, but it can also turn into something really great. Yes. The schools are missing out because I think children masking is so exhausting. Children suppress their talents.

They don't show that special skills that some of them have, not all of them. The schools would be a lot more creative places and more interesting places if they open up 

to that .

They're missing out by actually expecting everyone to behave in a certain way.

I use this as an example. A woman I interviewed said that she remembered being in school, biting the inside of her cheek, Giving herself that pain and that awareness that she needed to stay in her chair. 

Yes, that's a really good example, but it's also a good example for what can be done. So for example, fidget tools and fidget toys.

I know that they were banned in some schools. Everyone is expected to write in maths class with black pen and then they're not allowed to do drawings and use colors.

I think those are military schools. That's all very surprising to me, so I still hear loads of examples, even in London where, it's common that every school has children with ADHD. Yes, 

I think even probably the schools where the girls wear uniforms, you probably could still identify the girls that have ADHD.

We have a talk where there's a picture of four girls, and in the talk I talk about hyperactive ones, the combined type and the Inattentive type. I wasn't purposely choosing the picture that way, but if you looked at the picture, you could say, oh, that one's the Inattentive, and that one's the combined because it's pretty apparent even in their body language.

It is. Even still body language that are like a photograph, so they can always do something. 

Ones doing this behind your head, 

yes. I don't remember having pictures of my daughters standing still, ever

do you wanna talk about loneliness a little bit? Because I think tied in with the need to mask is that drive to not be alone and to fit in with your cohort. 

Yes, loneliness. I'm still thinking about it a lot, and the more I think about it ,the more I realize that it comes from that unsupported perception of ourselves. it comes from early masking

where, we feel different and we don't know we feel different. Then we feel different but want to hide that we are different and then we have to keep going. That changes from school to university and then working environment. We have to keep working on this hidden different common identity, which is not what we are.

That's a big reason why people feel lonely. What I've seen many times with people I work with is they talk about loneliness, but when you hear about their life, they have social lives. They go to parties, they have friends, they go on holiday with friends, and a lot of them have partners, but they still feel lonely.

My understanding is that masking and that anxiety with how other people see us ,because we don't always feel we understand and we create these anxieties that we are always seeing in a negative way, can actually create the wall between us and other people.

There's a book out about introverts and how our culture, I don't know if all cultures, really value the extrovert. If you're an introvert and more shy, you put yourself down just for that, and if you don't have a lot of friends, 'cause the culture makes you think that's very desirable too.

I think it's good to have some close relationships, even one or two is satisfactory, and for myself, it's been very freeing for me to realize that I value activities, which makes me think I'm a little bit on the autism spectrum. I find a lot of satisfaction in activities, sometimes more than in relationships.

Our culture is so value oriented to you need these relationships, that it's harder for people who maybe value reading a book or spending time on their computer . when I was in college, I realized there's a difference between being lonely and feeling lonely.



If I had something interesting to do, I never felt lonely. 

Because so many people are diagnosed late and masking was part of their life, people say I feel like everything I ever did in life was masking. That was the majority of my intellectual, emotional effort.

When that happens for a long time, masking becomes learned behavior. It becomes a behavior pattern. Even if we mature and we get a diagnosis and we become aware of all that, it's still very difficult to unlearn how to mask. What I find with so many people, even though they do well in life, a lot of people have successful career and they do well with families,

still don't have anybody. They don't have anybody that they are not hiding anything from, even small things, because it becomes part of us.

But on the other hand, at least in our culture, therapists are very popular.


I think people are working on it.

Many people succeed, but many people find it really hard. There's many environments where that is still difficult. For example, we talk about neurodiversity in the workplace and work accommodations, et cetera, but I know that even people who feel accommodated and they feel accepted in the workplace, they still wouldn't say they didn't understand instructions.

Hiding those things and constantly trying to adjust is a very lonely experience. That's part of where loneliness comes from. But I would still separate loneliness from solitary. As you described, many people enjoy being solo, being on their own, but there is societal pressure, that's not exactly acceptable.


That's where loneliness may come from because you feel pressured by the society to actually be more social, even though you feel much more comfortable being on your own. 

I'm wondering if that's part of inclusion then, is to allow those people to be that way. 

Yes.

I just wanna tell our audience if you find Dana pretty fascinating, she writes a lot of articles for FINDtheADHDgirls, but also her website, ADHDinsighthub.com is just a wealth of information. I'm glad I got to introduce you today to Dana 

Zamick. Thank you, Cynthia.

Thank you so much. It was a pleasure talking to you.